When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia Dr. Donaldson
suggested that I was "Type A". I didn’t agree then. And, I don’t
completely agree now. Sure I can be driven and competitive but years of
chronic illness preceding the diagnosis long ago drove away any
tendencies to workaholism.

I began to ponder the characteristics that got me in trouble and
that I saw causing problems for my ‘wounded’ clients. What I saw were
people who put others first (last and always), failed to care for
themselves, and seemed to wedded to the notion of being Helpers.

I coined the term Type H to describe this condition.  Apparently though the syndrome I call Type H already exists. It is the "Cancer Personality".

I read the list of characteritics and it was BINGO!

Bang on on all aspects. Especially the one about stuffing anger.Many of my clients confess to harbouring deep seated RAGE.

So, how come some people manifest cancer and others fibro?

Actually in some way they aren’t all that different. Cancer occurs when
cells go wonky and mutate, growing crazily, like eating one’s own body.
(Do you like my scientific explanation?) Fibro has been labelled an
autoimmune condition where our immune system attacks the body.

Really, doesn’t it seem to be about self-hatred?

And, fear.

I was abused as a child. Every single one of my clients who is ‘wounded’ was abused in some way: sexually, physicially, emotionally, or psychologically.

That kind of serious abuse leaves deep, abiding wounds.

What’s really sad for me is that the wounded person then not only feels unloved, unlovable, but DO NOT love themselves! In fact, at a cellular level seem to hate themselves.

It is as if they are trying to kill the bad that was done to them.

Yet, Jude (quoting the apostles) said to hate the dirty garment not the person who wore it.

So, why do we hate ourselves so much that we manifest this pain?

I was really tired yesterday. So, spent a good chunk of the morning obsessed about decluttering. You know the routine. Papers, more papers, and even more papers ‘filed’, well, crammed really, into a quartet of boxes in the corner of my office.

I found printed copies of e-mails from 2001! Sheesh!

Found some ‘good stuff’ too.

Including the certificate I received in June 1992, labelled as follows: "This certifies that Lyle T. Lachmuth has completed 13 weeks of training as a Facilitator of the Pastoral Institute’s ‘You’re Not Alone’ program for battered women".

What’s that got to do with Shame?

This. On my walk this morning I was pondering the question: Why do I so often not do the things I ought to do (that are good for me)?

And, what popped into my head was this thought: "cause I’m ashamed! Ashamed to admit I let someone take advantage of me. Ashamed I didn’t know (after all I should)." And, on and on.

That’s when I flashed back to the women in the You’re Not Alone group I co-facilitated. I remember one particular woman, I’ll call her Mabel. Mabel was a wee, wiry, high energy woman. In one relationship her boy "friend" had deliberately run her over with his car!! Yet, who felt the fucking shame… NOT HIM! It was Mabel.

That sucks!!!

And, it flashed into my head all the times I didn’t speak out… for myself or others because I feared being SHAMED!

And, all the people I’ve coached and counselled who have suffered emotional and physical battering because they were too ashamed to tell anyone!

And, how many children have been abused more because they were ashamed to speak out?

Too fucking many!!

Let’s Kill Shame!

Tags: child abuse, battering, shame, emotional abuse