The Sadness

sits with my heart.

Alone

I feel,

So, much alone

and, sometimes

I want to die,

and, sometimes

I want to run away,

For the Sadness

leaches through my soul,

Permeating:

Soul, body, mind, and marrow,

and fills

my being with

naught but pain.

Yet,

run I not;

And, die I not;

For somehow

This familiar melancholy

comforts me

like sipping

a soothing elixir

and, so

I wallow in the

pain

and, through

immersion

emerge

renewed,

revitalized,

and

refreshed.

Copyright 2009, Lyle T. Lachmuth, All Rights Reserved

My mother, actually step-mom who raised me from the age of 6, had a ’substantial’ heart attack March 10th. At first we, the family, thought she had skated through with little damage.

However, as time passed and information trickled in from her care givers — an immensely frustrating aspect of our overloaded Canadian healthcare — we discovered her heart was badly damaged. Can you say Myocardial Infarction?

For the first 6 days the parents were in SHOCK. Dad was walking around like a lost little boy. Mum had turned into a belligerant little girl. Yummy!

I, the eldest boy, was naturally expected to take charge! In our little German-Canadian family, that means massive responsibility with little actual power and authority.

Then on Monday of this week, Mum and Dad, both moved into Phase 2 of  the Transition cycle: DENIAL. In mum’s case, massive denial salted with anger and resentment.

Yesterday, my twin sister and I were finally able to talk to the cardiologist and get the ‘truth’. The truth being the facts: NOT the story mum was telling.

As you may know, people in denial: hear what they want to hear, say what the doctor wants to hear, and then when the doctor (or other health professional) leaves, go back to doing what they WANT to do — and, then lie  to their family (or conveniently forget what was said) about what the doctor or other health care professional said.

Yesterday I explained to my sister that neither of my parent’s could be reasoned with. They want what they want and they DO NOT want to have to CHANGE!

So, I told my sister that she and I (and baby bro) needed to psychologically prepare for my mum to die because of NON COMPLIANCE with doctor’s orders. My sister nodded her head and agreed! (GEE! I wonder where she learned that?)

I told her, “I’m letting go. I’m backing away. I’m not any longer going to try to convince mum and dad to change.”

I promised I would phone baby bro, who had been out of town during this adventure, and fill him and his wife in on the details and next steps.

TODAY:

I phoned bro, talked to his wife, and was surprised to find both of them calm and cooperative.

Then I phone sis to keep her in the loop and to suggest that she might want to want to move into a hotel when my mum came home. I said, “you might not want to be in the middle of an insane situation that is going to cause you pain!

Sis proceeded to argue with me. “No. Mum maybe had some slight brain damage from hypoxia. No. She’s not being resistant. She’ll take her meds. She’ll change her behaviour.” This garbage coming out the mouth of the woman who just yesterday agreed that mum and dad were both in denial and resistant.

I said to sis, “Look. This is my advice. I’m done. Do what you want.” Sis proceeds to argue with me, even more.

Now, I’m pissed! So, I say to her, “I SAID I WAS DONE! GOODBYE!” And, hung up.

I’m still pissed. Even though I’ve practice my deep breathing and vacuumed the floor.

So, I decided to vent by writing this post. And, using the writing to figure out the cause of my anger.

DUH! Darling Sis just stomped all over my boundaries.

And, what IS the BIG ISSUE for sexual abuse victims?

Can you say: BOUNDARIES?

Good thing I’m leaving for Yoga in 5 minutes. I know that by the time I’ve done 90-minutes of floor routines I’ll feel better and less likely to want to smack her a good one!

MMu

Rage bubbles up in me … unannounced … unexpected … and uninvited!

Nay! More than bubbles: froths, pukes forth, erupts.

How can rage be a gift?

Or, is it?

It is not a gift when I vent it on those I care about … or those simply close at hand, when it bursts forth; at the least real provocation.

But, if I can use that rage to write about the wrongs, and to right the wrongs, to fuel and direct the spilling forth of words … then mayhap it will be a Gift.

Those essentials being mad, glad, sad, and scared.

Then sometime in the past year as I began reflecting on my own experiences I felt that there was something missing. And, that the missing emotion had something to do with sex and sexuality.

So, I was pleased to find confirmation for my idea recently. It came from two sources.

I was talking about the basic emotions with my therapist Lynn Lambert and was listing them off, when she spontaneously added, "And, don’t forget Sexual".

Some time ago I was talking with my friend and colleague, Bill Astalnok, about his training at the Hendricks Institute and their work with the core emotions. He gifted me with a small bookmark that gives a reminder checklist of emotional phrases. The other day I happened to glance at it again and was pleasantly surprised to see this phrase, "I feel … ANGER / JOY / FEAR / SADNESS / SEXUAL about X ISSUE"

So, I’m on the right track.

Healing work needs to deal with all 5 emotional areas.